I host about 25% of what I did five years ago. I didn’t lose the itch. I got tired.
Look at your own friend group. In mine, only a few of us hosted. All the time. We carried the friendships. We picked the date, cleaned the house, bought the food, and set the table. Everyone else showed up, ate, drank, and had a ball. Then they went home to a house nobody had to see.
Two things changed. Let me take the first one.
Money. People are stretched. The Fed’s 2025 survey found only 63% of adults could cover a $400 surprise expense with cash. That leaves more than a third who couldn’t. Hosting isn’t cheap. Nobody with a tight month wants to buy a bottle of wine for a friend’s party, then spend $150 or more to host their own. I get it. I do.
The second one is harder to say, so I’ll say it plainly. Hosting isn’t for everyone. Plenty of people love a party at your house and dread getting theirs ready for company. They’re happy to eat and drink and be merry at yours. They don’t want the work. That’s human nature, and I’m not above it. I just notice it more now.
Data for Progress found that the share of Americans who say they hosted guests or attended a dinner party fell from 88% in 1995 to 67%. Fewer of us are in each other’s dining rooms.
Guest manners slipped too. I was raised that when you visited someone’s house, you brought the hostess a small gift. A bottle of wine. Flowers. A dish. Something. Now people show up to enjoy the fun and bring nothing. When I host, my guests bring something. The hen party, the garden party, the soup tasting all run on that. They bring the bird. I bring the plan. It costs them little and it tells me they see the work.
If you don’t want to host, don’t hide. Organize something. Book a girls’ night at a fun spot. Plan a happy hour. Pick a new place during restaurant week. I do this now with the two friends who used to host with me. We rotate who plans it.
Know your friends’ pockets, and your own. I have silos of friends who are well off. When we’re together, nobody looks at a price. I have other silos who use coupons to get by. Everyone’s situation is different. Part of being a good friend is understanding that and making it work.
Here’s the kicker. Friendship was never only about hosting. Hosting is my thing. Yours might be a happy hour, or a Saturday at Costco with a cart and a friend. How you do it doesn’t matter. Showing up for each other does.
The economy is bad. People are depressed. I get it. But we all have a community, and this is the time to lean on it. Be intentional about the people who mean something to you. Keep them in your life on purpose, because they won’t stay by accident. I’m writing this from the middle of it, with a happy hour on my calendar for Monday.
What’s one way you keep your friends close that doesn’t involve hosting? Tell me in the comments.
