I don’t send thank-you notes like I should. I’ll say that first.
I send them after some interviews and some client meetings. Not all. Not on a schedule. Somewhere along the way I let it slip, and I notice the slip every time someone sends me one.
Here’s what I know about my own record. I’ve built a pile of goodwill by being thoughtful. At work, when I call someone, they pick up. When I ask a question, I get a real answer. Nobody sends me an invoice for it. That’s coalition power, the kind I wrote about in the Mavis and the Bulldozer posts. It’s a set of people who help you because they want to, with no money changing hands and no favor tracked on a ledger. A thank-you note feeds that.
The research backs the instinct. In 2018, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago ran four experiments where people wrote gratitude letters. The writers guessed wrong on every count. They underestimated how surprised the readers would be. They underestimated how good the readers would feel. They overestimated how awkward the readers would find it. The writers sweated over word choice. The readers cared about the warmth.
Now look at work. A USC survey of 1,200 American workers found only 52.9% said their supervisor thanks them weekly. Workers said they prefer written thanks to spoken, and private thanks to public. Written notes show effort, name the specifics, and sit in an inbox where you can find them again. Almost half of workers go a week without a thank-you from the boss. A short email lands in a very empty space.
Maya Angelou said people don’t remember what you said or did, only how you made them feel. A note is how they gauge their positive memory of you.
Match the channel to the room. At work, that means email. Write it the same day. Name the specific thing the person did. Skip the template. For friends and family, I’d handwrite it every time and use email and text only as the fallback.
Black women rarely get thanked at work. We do too many jobs, and thanking us means somebody would have to admit how much of their own work we do for them. I’m kinda joking. The part that isn’t a joke is that I always thank people who help me without an expectation of return. I do it because I notice who shows up.
That brings me to tonight. A coworker helped on an account. Sales invited her in, and then they didn’t treat her well. She came anyway and brought her expertise. I’m writing her a note now. I’ll thank her for the expertise and for being willing to come out. Someone in our group has to have class.
Will it move her up the ladder? No. It tells her I see her. People who feel seen move around you differently. That’s the leveling-up strategy. Her name is typed. The rest takes five minutes.
Who is one person who helped you this year and never heard a thank you? Tell me in the comments.
